My dog died...cathartic spiel

I went back to my hometown on April 4, 2009 - my birthday as well as my mom's had already gone by but since I could not come back to Cebu City earlier, I thought at least we could celebrate together belatedly.

I also missed my dogs, and most of all my favorite remaining pure Japanese spitz. He was quite old and the "last of the Mohicans" as I liked to to tease him while rolling his dog food on the sloping floor towards him for pouncing (we played games this way)...he was the last of the pups begotten by my first ever Japanese Spitz, named Snow.

Snoizy is or rather, was, the youngest of his batch and only became my fave because one by one his brothers died. Yeah, the strong survive eh? Snow, his sire, was never able to sire again..because I never had another female spitz until such time I left for Manila to pursue post-grad studies. I was painfully aware that all the time I was away in Manila to continue my life, there was a chance he would die while I wasn't around. But there wasn't really much I could do..I could not stay in Cebu to be with him, and he could not stay with me as the place I live forbids dogs as pets.

I arrived late at our house in the evening of April 4, 2009. Consequently, I could only wave to Snoizy and say a quick hi to him from where he stays at (he was collared at the back of my room). I could not see him at all since the light could not reach where he was sprawled. I like to think he heard me or could even see me with the light at my back, even if he didn't really answer. Being an old and deaf dog he usually just snoozed even while I was talking to him and only jump up in surprise when I stroke his head.

I woke up the next day only to be greeted with the news that he had died that dawn.

For a good 10 minutes (although I could have sworn time was moving very slowly) I felt depressed and just sat on my bed - staring at my palms and not saying anything at all to anybody (knowing myself and my moods, that is a long time for me to be feeling down).

I realized that I was just sleeping peacefully nearby when he went away and left me and I never knew it!  He had gone physically away from me...he would never again look devotedly into my eyes...he would never again lean over to have his ears scratched and his stomach rubbed. He would never leave any of his progeny behind, and I had nothing left now except my memories and the few photographs I had taken of him and his siblings a long time ago....

I decided not to look at his stiffening corpse, but I had a lump in my throat when I told my mom that since the usual place we buried our pet dogs was already inaccessible (underneath a plump jackfruit tree in the vacant lot already bought by somebody else), I would like to dig and bury him myself, on the spot near the common driveway. At least if I see the plant he is buried under, I will know he is just underneath and near our house. And I'd remember....

And so, I determinedly took the shovel and with my mom's help we plunged him into the dark and dry soil, in his sack - in a not a very deep grave, as the soil was quite hard-packed. Then we placed a plant on top..sort of a marker. Afterward, I was suddenly gripped by a rush of cleaning fever...I noticed the fallen leaves from the numerous neem trees lining up the drive had all piled up since we had no helper for the last couple of months.

I felt conflicted. I wanted to rake and sweep and burn the leaves immediately. I also wanted to rush back inside the house, closet myself in my room and put pen to paper ....to write about the wrenching feeling I had at the thought of my dog waiting for me to come home so he could die. Maybe it is just a sentimental thought and up for debate - the idea of beloved animals or beloved pets waiting for its owners or masters...but I....I like to think of it that way. Because there is always a bond between a girl and her dog, a woman and her pet..or as some people may see it...just Cat and her fave dog.

I saw again a photograph I took after we buried him that day and I remembered...the smell of the rotting, dry leaves burning away... the sun shining through the swaying neem trees lining that driveway...and my dad leaning over the gate to hand me the camera as I pointed out the rays of light on the spot where Snoizy was buried. {picture at left shows his burial place}

It is only when life stops for those who are short-lived creatures of God, that I pause to think life is really just a blink of an eye. It goes by so fast...

And so I write this immediately after I see that photo..in tribute to one dog who shared a part of my life...and to grieve once more..for a little while.